my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
