You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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