I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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