wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Randomize
