i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish you could order shots online.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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