$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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