He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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