if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
