She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
