I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
