I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My dick has a subreddit
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
