The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it was like eating out sand paper
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
