I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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