lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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