I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Congratulations! We have a period
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
