I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
