i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
