I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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