If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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