I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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