im having a threesome with these popsicles
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
