I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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