If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't deserve a penis
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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