not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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