remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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