New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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