Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
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I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
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I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize