I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
