And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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