It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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