and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize