I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Can I color on your dick again?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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