I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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