Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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