I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
