i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
