Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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