can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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