I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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