The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
