If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
