Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
