i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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