I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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