I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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