I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
