You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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