There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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