nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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