I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
