And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So much rum. So many feels.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
