dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
