We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
