Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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