But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there was a trapeze. enough said
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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