if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
