i wish starbucks made bloody marys
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
